I am struggling as a parent in a very specific area. I am praying, I am seeking, I am 
reading, I am trying desperately to get out of God’s way so I can become the parent He needs me to be. God gave me a child very different from myself, my sweet and adorable Krash. I have known how different he is from me since early on. He has always been our wild child, our funny one, our overly adorable and cute one. He is daring, loud, exciting, adventurous, hyper, loving, intense, hilarious, determined, extreme, caring, energetic, bold, and courageous. He is what some would call all boy. I can’t count how many times the phrase “he’s lucky he’s so cute” has been said by someone!
I am an only child, and a girl. Having 2 boys first in our line up of 3 children has knocked me clear out of my comfort zone. Honestly having more than one child has done it to me too. I grew up in a very quiet home, being the only one – the noise, if any, came from me! With 3 kids, the noise is intense and with Krash thrown in-it goes beyond intense. PacMan is a quieter person overall, and he and I have come a long way regarding his behavior and strong will. He is much more like me in personality so even though we but heads, I understand him more since we are more similar. Ladybug is me in almost every way possible. She is difficult and extremely dramatic, but I get her. Then there’s my Krash, the one who throws me off in a way I never imagined. He is where my deepest prayers are centered right now.
I struggle with anxiety, which is triggered greatly by noise, transition, and unexpected things. Krash is all of those rolled up into one. He is very intense and unpredictable and will throw me off in a split second. I react to him in ways I wish I wouldn’t. I damage his little spirit, I know I do. That’s why I am writing, putting it out there, typing through the feelings inside of me in hopes that somehow this can be a part of my healing.
I know the right answers, I even counsel other parents at times who have kids like him. It is much easier to know the right things, I am trying to DO them and really struggling. I know what damages him, I know that things I say must make him feel like there is something wrong with his intense little spirit. I know God created him to be this way and that he is awesome…I just can’t figure out how to stop getting my buttons pushed. My immaturity in my responses to him just overwhelms me at times. How could I possibly have just reacted the way I did? How can I let those words come out of my mouth? If I heard another mom speaking that way to her child I would be sad. Those thoughts and more just replay in mind all of the time. 
I vow to change, I commit to speak gently and to watch my tone, to be more patient. I fail, I fail, I fail. Honestly I am just so tired of failing in such an important area of life-raising my precious son. He deserves so much more. Truth is, he is an awesome kid. He is SO much fun, so energetic, so funny, and enjoyable. The core of who he is is a person I really truly like, not just love – I really like him.
Lately, I haven’t been liking him as much because I am letting my emotions get in the way. He has been struggling with the grumpies lately and overreacting about just about everything. He has little fits and he moans, and sighs a LOT. He shows negative behaviors that are a bit out of character for his normally happy self, and I am seeing selfishness step in and pull him away.
As our middle child, I am also seeing him struggle to find his place, struggle to find his time. Ladybug gets lots of one on one time being the youngest. Pac gets a lot of one on one time naturally since he is much older. Krash struggles to fit into this and even though I try and am aware of this need to pour into him – I fail. The oldest and the youngest naturally get more attention.
So, where does this leave me? It leaves me on my knees. I am no where near where I desire to be as a parent of this child. I have so much growth left to do, and I am not giving up. Currently I am re-reading a book {Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child} I read when Pac was young and going through a very strong willed couple of years {major success with that kid I tell ya}. I remember highlighting portions when I was reading it years ago, and the reason was very different. I am finding the same portions hitting me in the heart again and praying to be molded into a more Godly parent. Recently I Instagram-ed {I am 1plus1plus1 on Instagram} this…
I need this child, God gave him to me on purpose. I usually think of that in regards to God never giving me more than I can handle, and knowing that I am the right parent for him…but thinking of it this way is way more humbling. It isn’t just about me dealing with Krash, it is about God using Krash to mold my character and help me become more like Christ.
Lord, use this awesome child of yours to make me more like you. As I strive to not worry about this and pray about it, while trusting in your promise to bring me peace beyond all understanding, {Philippians 4:6-7} I thank you Lord in advance for your work in me, and ask you to continue to work more and more in my heart and mind.
Do you have a perfect catalyst to bring you opportunities to develop more Godly character?
